It all started on May 9th, 2083.
I was a janitor. A damn good one.
I’ve seen shit you wouldn’t believe.
I worked for OneWeek waste management,
At the top of my field
OneWeek cleaned the city
From the bottom of the sewers to the top of the hills
Worked there for 30 years and only made a buck,
But was all that time worth it,
Washing up after people fuck?
But let me take you back on track
To what my story means
It’s about a conspiracy theory
Of how everything's so clean
The streets are usually filthy
With vagrant shit and piss
My job has been done for me
And everything's amiss
Went out for the first time in weeks
Been stuck indoors with the flu
Fresh air really would’ve helped me
And the warm sun too
I had on my old uniform
I was ready to clean the town
Thats when I had a gut feeling
Something fishy's going down
Where are all the cups and papers?
The cans and wads of hair?
The broken glass that cut my hands
And the crusty underwear?
Where did it all go?
Did it vanish in thin air?
I’ll call my boss Louis,
Maybe he can clear up this nightmare
Joe, what can I do for ya?
Louis, help me out here, the streets are squeaky clean.
Yeah Joe, I don’t know what to tell you, the world’s been going green.
But two weeks ago, just two weeks ago, I was mopping up puke.
Well things are changing Joe, it's not my fault that you aren't in the loop.
But it’s so clean now, it's so clean! It has to be a trick.
I dunno Joe, lemme take your temperature, I think you might still be sick.
(Jollybeard improv section)
J - Hey, get your damn hands off of me man!
L - Oh, I really apologise, I'm sorry.
J - I didn't give you permission to just touch my forehead.
L - No, you didn't and I'm sorry.
J - That's not appropriate in the workplace.
L - I have already apologised.
J - This place has gone to shit, and you're an asshole, and I'm gonna crack this whole thing wide open-
L - Hey, you don't call me an asshole, you're fired, you hear me Joe?
J - Your days are numbered you fat son of a bitch.
L - You're finished.
J - Don't try to smooth talk me-
L - I wasn't trying to smooth talk you, believe me-
J - I'm grabbing all of my stuff, and I'm walking out the door.
L - Get out! Leave, please. Get the hell out of my office.
J - Save your tears for somebody who gives a shit.
L - I'm not crying, you psychopath!
It’s robbed my of my job
And did it better, I confess
Let's see what happens with no janitor
When I try making my own mess
A dirty tissue here
And a banana peel right there
An empty pack of cigarettes
And dog shit everywhere
You’ll see what happens to these streets
Without a professional’s expertise
You’re gonna miss the ol’ custodian
When he gets up and leaves
I’ll tip this dumpster over
To get the juices flowing
A person can’t pick up this garbage
Whoever tries can blow me
Sir, it has come to my attention that you’ve been littering.
Well what are you gonna do about it?
We were assigned to street clean every midnight.
Well fuck off! I’m the janitor here, you can’t take that away from me.
Hmm, according to bill 7608, humans are deemed inferior to automated cleanup.
As long as i have a rag and a mop, you better stay clean, cause I’m never gonna stop.