----------------- BEFORE THE RECORDING STARTS -----------------
[Indistinct crowd chatter]
Student: I'll have two lagers, please.
Bartender: Right away, sir.
Voice 1: Well, don't you look dour.
Student: Eh, just tired is all.
Voice 2: If you were just tired, you'd go home and sleep. You're stressed out.
Voice 1: You're a scientist, right? Let me guess...PhD candidate...fifth year...
Voice 3: Particle physics!
Student: H..How did you know?
Chorus: [Low-key laughter]
Voice 1: You've got that scientist look to you.
Voice 3: Overstuffed backpack you take to a bar.
Voice 2: With a slight coffee stain on the right strap.
Voice 1: Bags under the eyes.
Voice 2: Keyboard marks on the hands.
Voice 3: XKCD t-shirt.
Voice 2: And you haven't exercised in a while.
Voice 3: Yep. You're a scientist, all right. We are too.
Voice 1: Been through it all, and I bet our story's just the same as yours.
[Crowd chatter fades.]
----------------- RECORDING STARTS HERE -----------------
So you start with a bunch of classes / with the stuff that you need to know,
But the clock's running like molasses / and the voice droning's just as slow,
And the words on the board are senseless / like the accent that's in your ear,
And against the math you're defenseless / and your only protection's beer.
When you're out of the class, it's better / 'till you find that you can't get free.
Half your words are now strings of letters; / TLAs all the LLD.
You read news about "CURES FOR CANCER!" / and you want to pull out your hair.
And for that, well the easiest answer / is the beer in your hand, right there.
And your social life's no improvement / you know no-one outside your lab.
In your field, there's so little movement / you need all the friends you can grab.
And your family's convinced you're a hermit / missing sunlight for days on end.
And you wish you could contradict them / but that beer is your closest friend.
If your problems are caused by science / you think science can solve them too.
Fix your problems without reliance / on some people who aren't you.
Get your tensile testers winding / get your beakers, tools, and gage,
But the cure that you'll end up finding / is C-two-H-five-O-H.
----------------- RECORDING ENDS HERE -----------------
[Crowd chatter resumes]
Student: Now wait just a second. This is sounding less like science problems and more like drinking problems.
Voice 1: Well, you are in a bar.
Voice 2: And, for that matter, so are we.
Voice 3: Definite selection bias.
Voice 2: And a small sample size. P much greater than 0.05.
Voice 3: But what exactly did we get wrong?
Student: My family's totally supportive of me going into science and getting my doctorate!
Voice 1: Are they? No complaints about taking apart the TV when you were seven? Never yelled at you for leaving LEGOs around where bare feet could step on them?
Student: ...they think I'm becoming a medical doctor, not a science doctorate.
Voice 2: But you're becoming a particle physicist!
Student: My mom's partly deaf. She thought I said I was becoming a cardio-physician. I haven't had the heart to correct her.
Voice 1: Ahh, there we go. Family is always the hardest to convince. Maybe it's for the best that they don't know. Just imagine if they ever found out.
[Crowd chatter fades.]
Voice 1: And your mom was sad, so she asked your dad,
Chorus: Where they both had gone so wrong,
Voice 2: If your science days were a teenage phase,
Chorus: Then why did they last so long?
Voice 3: And you have no date, cause of class at eight.
Chorus: Your advisor's such a jerk.
Voice 1: As you sit right here and you drink your beer,
Voice 2: And your project's drear, and could take a year,
Voice 3: And you shed a tear over your career...
Chorus: Well, it still beats honest work!